Twenty Years Behind
by St.Alya
Summary: Being twenty years younger is sometimes hard on Gimli, but Fili and Kili are his heroes. They are the brothers he did not have. It just takes him some time to understand why he couldn't always keep up with them.


**I know, I know. I have no business posting this while I have an ongoing fic, but this thing was mostly written before, I just added the final ten paragraphs. I promise my other fic is not being forgotten!**

**Here you go, because we all love Gimli and because I always kept wondering how it must have been for him to grow up with Fili and Kili :)**

**xxxxxxxxxxxx**

Twenty Years Behind

Little Gimli sighed. Scratched his small chubby nose, and sighed. Again.

"Could you try not to sigh so loud? So many times?" Kili growled at him from the other side of the room.

"I want to play!" Gimli said, standing defiantly close to the chair where his cousin was sitting.

"Me too, but I won't!" the other said, stubbornly looking at the fire and not at him.

"Why not?!"

"Because I don't want to play with _you_!" Kili finally turned and glared at him.

Gimli took a few steps back, cowered. He knew better than to anger further his cousin, who was already twenty years old. Being only five, he knew he had no chance against Kili should the other get really mad.

Resigned, little Gimli turned around and went to sit on the floor, at the other side of the room, and tried to keep his sighs as silent as possible. It was so unfair! All he wanted was for his cousin to play with him a bit! But Kili was older and had no patience with him when his brother was absent for long periods of time. Fleetingly, Gimli got a little angry at their king Thorin and all the other adults, who had started Fili's training and would take him out the whole day, leaving both Kili and Gimli behind.

If Fili was there, it would have been different. The three of them would play and his two older cousins would lift him from the ground and play Throw the Dwarf with him. Then they would steal some food from Aunt Dis' pantry. And maybe they could pretend they were fighting dragons before he got really sleepy and went to bed. Fili and Kili would continue to play, because they were big and didn't get sleepy until very late in the night, but Gimli would not care because he would have had already a lot of fun.

But Fili was not there, and whenever Fili was not there Kili became moody and would just sit alone in the corner until they heard the door opening and the blonde dwarf would rush in, telling everything he had done that day. It had been like this every time before and so it happened that day.

"Fili!" Kili said, even before there was any sign of his brother arriving.

Then Gimli heard it. The sound of the door was enough to put Kili up and running. Gimli ran after him, but his cousin was bigger and faster, and never waited for him in these situations.

When his short legs finally allowed him to get to the hall, Fili was lifting Kili up on a tight embrace – because Fili was even bigger than Kili – and they were _laughing_. Gimli liked their laughter a lot; it was a very happy sound that made you want to laugh with them.

"Hi, cousin!" he rushed to them and smiled, eagerly. He wanted Fili to lift him up too.

Fili turned to him with his big blue eyes and radiant smile. He did lift Gimli up, but not so high. Then his eldest cousin patted him on the head, rustled his reddish mussed hair.

"Hello, Gimli! Did you have fun with my brother?"

No, he didn't. But he never got time to answer, anyway, because Kili would be talking non-stopping about what they could do now to have some fun and divert Fili's focus. The older brother was soon giving his sibling complete attention, leaving Gimli on the side, waiting for the grown-ups to get in the house – most likely Fili had ran ahead like mad to see Kili.

Later, his father would do to him the lifting up from the ground and listen to the things he had done that day before taking him home so they could wait for their mother to arrive from the healing center. Then, right before they left, Gimli would look behind and see the two brothers engrossed in conversation like there was no one else in the world.

He could barely wait to grow and be as big as them, so they could all really play together.

Xx

As time passed, Gimli reached twenty. He was finally beginning his training! And his favorite part was when he would run to his cousin's house and show them what he had learned that day.

Usually it would be fun. They would share some training tips, play a bit and share tales of the House of Durin they all knew by heart. But sometimes… well, sometimes the play became a little bit too much for him. Kili was thirty-five and Fili forty, they had been training for much longer than he had.

It would start out as normal fight play. Fili, being the older would take on both his brother and Gimli. Then Fili would tease Kili, Kili would tease him back and they soon forgot that Gimli was playing with them. Not that they would fight seriously, but they did know more techniques them him. And they knew each other so well!

Gimli's young mind would be in awe of their moves. Laughing madly while pretending it was serious, their fight was almost like a dance. Fili and Kili would dash around recklessly, sometimes even almost hurting Gimli without even noticing, too distracted by their exchanged banter.

"You move too slowly!" Kili would say after dodging five times in a row.

"You stand too weakly!" Fili would retort after hitting his brother's arm, making him loose the wooden sword.

It would be all fists and kicks then. Kili would try to tackle the older one as a last resort, and pretty soon they would be a mass of limbs on the floor, rolling on the dirt. It was never serious, though. After a few seconds the punching turned to attempts at tickles and the growls would turn to laughter.

Always laughter, with Fili and Kili, one upon the other on the ground, totally forgotten of their surroundings.

Gimli would sigh resigned, gripping his wooden sword tighter. He still had to grow up a bit more, so they could all train together.

Xx

As he reached forty, Gimli had already understood more or less that his cousins were… something apart, although he didn't know what that something was. It had been decades since one had done something without the other, and he supposed that they had never slept on separate beds. So, he can more or less understand why Fili is so upset.

His blond cousin is carving something on a small piece of wood, ignoring everything else in the world.

"Practice the ax with me." Gimli tried, more to pull Fili out of his little trance than due to feeling like training.

"Not now, Gimli." Fili answered, his voice a monotone, but Gimli knew him well enough to hear the hurt beneath it.

Gimli sighed. Fili was not as prone to anger as Kili when without his brother, but could sulk with the same intensity. His mood would turn sour and bored and he would get detached from the surroundings. And yet, this was not the blonde's usual upset face. His shoulders were hunched lower, as if defeated, and the frown on his face made him look as someone who had lost something really really precious.

"Did you two argue?" is the only thing he can think of. Their fights are rare, but they can be devastating when they happen.

Fili gives him a bitter laugh that Gimli had never heard before. "It would have been better if we had. That way I could tackle him to the ground and everything would be all right with a few punches and bleeding lips."

He does not understand the dark glow that fills blue eyes as his cousin says this, but Gimli could understand what he meant. Because this was how things worked between the two brothers. If they fought, they would really fight until they became a laughing mess on the ground. If they trained, they would really train until they became a laughing mess on the ground. If they played, they would really play until they became a laughing mess on the ground. Laughter and laughter, this was the way of Fili and Kili.

While Gimli knows he is yet too young to comprehend that kind of intensity, he admires it, a part of him wanting them to be like that forever and another tiny part wishing he could be a part of all that laughter. He thought the twenty years gap was what kept him from truly catching up with his cousins. Fili and Kili had twenty years of having just one another to play and fight before Gimli came along.

"What happened, then?" he insists, because he wants to hear a bit of laughter again "I know something happened, you wouldn't be here alone if it hadn't."

Fili finally lifts his eyes to look directly at him. There is some surprise there.

"I sometimes forget that you know us so well, Gimli."

"Sometimes you two forget that I even exist, but I don't mind that anymore." He had tried not to sound so anguish, but it had escaped him anyway. Seeing the guilty look his cousin was giving him, however, made Gimli smile a bit "I really don't. I just wish I had a brother too."

"I suppose you are right. Kili and I can get a little lost in our own little bubble." Fili watched him closely for a moment before returning to his carving. "But we really appreciate your company, you know. It's just that you're so young and we… well, we get distracted, I think."

"I know that." Gimli smiles, liking to hear that his cousin enjoyed his company. He did know. If Fili and Kili didn't, they would never invite him for pranks just out of obligation, or would stand by him when he got into trouble, or would protect him or take care of him.

"We really think of you as our baby brother." Fili said, making an effort to offer him a half smile.

Gimli's little heart soared at that, and he vowed to keep these words treasured in his chest. He knew he had been taken under their wing, but it was very good to hear one of them say that, especially because they not always demonstrated it so obviously.

"But it's different between you and Kili." He ventured, looking at Fili's now pensive expression.

"I guess it is." Fili nodded "I barely remember there is an age difference, for starters. And—"

Suddenly the blonde interrupts his speech, shakes his head and returns to carving furiously. Gimli cannot see what the figurine it's going to be, but he takes a slight pity on the wood. What was Fili carving anyway? It was custom among dwarves to carve small figurines representing something they wanted to offer someone, but Fili was too young to be able to offer anything.

This is the moment Kili comes in, though, and all of a sudden the air is filled with tension. They might not have argued, but one of them had gotten really sad – judging by Kili's enraged expression he had been the wounded part.

"So, not only I'm not big enough to accompany you to taverns, now I am not good enough to accompany you through the day?" Kili asks with a fire in his eyes "You could have just told me instead of disappearing this morning!"

Gimli is surprised for a moment. Fili had been going to taverns? Sure, he was older, sixty was the official age of adulthood, but he would never do anything without his brother and Kili was still under-age... Well, if there were dwarflings who would start drinking before their times, that would be Fili and Kili for sure. Not him, he was too young for that yet.

Nonetheless, he watched Fili wincing and sighing.

"I told you it was not like this."

"Oh, and how was it? Did she tied you up and dragged you to the tavern?!"

Gimli looked confused from one to the other. Kili was jealous, then? Were they fighting for the same girl? That seemed rather dumb in his opinion.

"Why are you so worked up over this? Hys and I are just friends! I was on my way home when I saw her having troubles with her pony, I fixed the saddle and she paid me a mug of ale to thank me." Fili said in a tired way, as if he thought he didn't have to say this.

"She gave you ale to charm you. I bet she wants to be a princess!" Kili said, relentless.

"_What_ are you on about?!"

"I said she is just using you to join the family! She knows you just came of age and she wants to get married to you!" For a moment there was something like fear in Kili's eyes, but that had to be Gimli's imagination. Why would Kili be afraid of a _girl_? Either way, they did not seem to be fighting over her.

"Kili, this is ridiculous! We are nothing but distant friends."

"Oh, is that so?!"

"Yes! That so!" Fili finally snapped, looking as angry as Kili now "And even if that was her true intent, what makes you think that I would marry her? Do you really think I could be so easily charmed by someone like this?!"

Gimli knows that he is once again forgotten by his cousins. There is a little voice in him saying that he should leave, that this is too private for him to watch, but he can't help it, because he spent most of his short life watching Fili and Kili interacting. And this was something different.

They were angry, yes, at the brink of fighting seriously. Yet he knows somehow that this time they would not end in laughter on the floor.

Suddenly, Fili sighs in defeat and throws the figurine he had been carving in the air between them. Kili catches it, despite being surprised, and there is a shocked look on his face when he sees what it is. Gimli can't see it from where he is standing, but he sees the tears forming on the corner of brown eyes. What could Fili possibly have offered to him that would make his brother cry?

A look to the other side of the room shows him Fili is not crying, but he is trembling visibly. Fili looked _terrified_, in way Gimli had never seen. The blonde was the older, he was never afraid of anything.

"Are…" Kili takes a deep breath, his eyes wide and fearful "Are you _sure_?"

"Yes, brother." Fili exhales this, and suddenly Kili is on him, hugging him tight and hiding his crying face beneath thick blond hair.

Gimli watches as the two brothers hold each other close and tight, as if one of them might disappear. They whisper things to each other, things he cannot hear but sound pretty painful. He wished he could understand what it was, so he could offer some help.

But he can't. And if during all these years he had not been able to share their laughter, there was no point in hoping they would share their pain. So, sighing quietly, Gimli leaves.

As he is about to close the door, however, he catches Fili looking at him, an apologetic look on his blue eyes. Gimli forces a smile out and nods in reassurance. At least his cousin had remembered him, this time. He guessed he would have to do a little more growing up before he could help Fili and Kili with their burdens.

Xx

At the age of fifty, he finally understood that what kept him apart from his cousins was not the two decades between their births. It was something totally different.

Gimli was not sure when it had begun – sometime after the episode of the wooden figurine, he supposes. Although, after that party he got an idea of what Fili had offered Kili back then.

For the record, they were _not_ planning on spying Dwalin. It was just that everybody was getting really drunk in the party after some of them had returned from a journey and everyone wanted to hear the bald dwarf sing a drunken song or two, sending the three of them to get more ale and get Dwalin back to the room.

Neither of them had expected to find him kissing Ori out of his mind behind the ale tankards.

Ori was only slightly older than Kili, and Gimli questioned if it was okay for Dwalin to do that, but the other seemed to be really enjoying so he said nothing – in fact, Ori seemed to be clinging to the bigger dwarf for dear life. He was not sure if he would be able to say something anyway, so embarrassed he was. He had never kissed anyone in his life! Much less heard those kind of noises Dwalin and Ori were making, completely unaware they had an audience.

When he turned to Fili and Kili, however, he was shocked to see that they were not feeling awkward at all. Instead, they were smirking to each other.

"See, I _told you_ Ori was in love with Dwalin." Kili whispered smugly.

"I never doubted _that_. I just was not sure that Dwalin had noticed him." Fili rolled his eyes as he whispered back "Do you think he really likes Ori back, though?"

"Dwalin is not the type to just kiss for nothing. Have you ever seen him even look at someone? He is always so focused on his duties. Ori must have made him fall _hard_."

"Good point." Fili nodded "This must have happened when they were returning from the Iron Hills."

"Wait, wait." Gimli whispered, interrupting their musings, his eyes big as plates "Ori is in love with cousin Dwalin?"

"Of course, have you never noticed?" Fili asked, looking at him as if he was blind.

No, Gimli hadn't. Most likely because he spent most of his times watching Fili and Kili, not others. He shook his head no to answer, nonetheless.

"Come on, Ori almost drooled every time he watched Dwalin training." Kili elbowed him.

Gimli turned to the kissing pair once again, raking his brains for any sign in Ori's behavior that could have indicated it. Truth to be said, he had never paid much attention to Ori. Fili and Kili aside, Gimli liked to watch his uncle Oin and cousins Thorin, Balin and Dwalin better, because they were grand dwarves of legend that had fought on famous battles. That being said, he supposed that Dwalin indeed seemed a little more contained whenever Ori was in the same circle of conversation.

"We should leave… they look like they have been eager to have this private moment." Kili whispered after some time.

"Yes. Dwalin seems to be demanding something he could not have for a long time. I'm guessing pretty soon he will take Ori to his quarters and claim him."

Gimli watched the way Ori's hands had a tight grip on Dwalin's furs and he noticed how, despite the intensity, the bigger dwarf managed to hold the smaller one as if he was the most precious and fragile treasure in the world. He had not seen many kisses in his life, but Gimli agreed with his cousins. He also blushed absurdly at the word 'claim', but tried to act nonchalant so he wouldn't get teased.

When Gimli turned to say that to his cousins however, to show that he had some observing skills, he saw something different. Kili had this impossible amount of affection in his eyes, and Fili had a sheepish grin on his face, blushing. _Blushing_. Gimli had never seen Fili even look so much as awkward.

Then, as he looked at the way their eyes connected, Gimli _knew_. He understood. He saw the way their bodies drifted slightly closer to each other and he saw the way Fili's hands twitched on his sides, as if he was trying to hold himself to not pull Kili towards him.

They were not embarrassed at the couple kissing before them because they had already kissed before! The thought dawned upon him, and Gimli felt his eyes widen even more. It was pretty obvious who they had kissed, too, and he felt really stupid for never noticing before. Didn't he follow his cousins all the time? All these years, ever since they were children, Fili and Kili had been in love with each other!

All of a sudden, he felt like he was spying on _two_ couples. Dwalin and Ori kissing as if their lives depended on it, and Fili and Kili wanting to kiss just as badly, seeming to be only marginally aware of his presence.

Very quietly, Gimli turned and walked away, not looking back to see if they had left as well. He was still _very_ confused about what he thought. Much later on the party, though, when he saw the two slipping away, he could not resist following them.

Just like he had expected, he found them kissing as if there was no tomorrow behind a statue at the corner of a hallway. Fili had Kili's back pressed against the wall, seeming just as demanding as Dwalin had, if not more. And in the brief seconds that the blonde would pull away so they could breathe, the younger would soon call him back with a low whispered moan.

"Take me to our room." Kili whispered some time later when their mouths parted one more time, but in the quiet hallway it reached Gimli's ears.

Fili froze immediately.

"Kili…"

"It seems unfair that Ori will be claimed before even I am. It's been ten years since you gave that wooden figure…" There was a light joking tone on Kili's husky voice, but Gimli caught on to the serious tone underneath it "We are both of age, already, brother. _Take me to our room_."

Fili gave no spoken answer that Gimli could hear, he simply pressed their mouths together again and brought Kili's body even tighter against him.

This was the moment Gimli chose to look away and leave, because he was not sure if they would ever make it to the room, judging by the untamed passion with which they had latched onto to each other.

Certain that he was probably blushing deep enough that his face was the color of his hair, Gimli did not return to the party. Instead, he went back to his room to think about what he had discovered that night.

This was a secret he had to keep for them. He might not be sure if it was right for brothers to love like that, but he knew he would never be able to do anything that could hurt his cousins. Besides, this was what he had been waiting for his whole life, an opportunity to show them how much he cared for them and how worthy he was of their laughter.

Not to mention that it felt good knowing the reason why he ended up always being left behind. It was not because they thought less of Gimli, it was just because they thought too much of each other in a way that they could not of anyone else. Even if Gimli had been their age and had grown up with them, even if he had not been twenty years behind, it would be the same thing.

Years later, when Fili and Kili left with King Thorin to claim back the mountain, Gimli cursed once again the age difference, because he was not allowed to go due to being too young, still sixty-two years old.

The only thing that made him feel better was when the two brothers pulled him aside before leaving for the Shire.

"We'll wait for you in Erebor, Gimli." Kili said with a radiant smile "Be ready to travel as soon as you get news from us."

"I will." He nodded as solemnly as he could, not wanting to show neither the disappointment for not going nor the worry for the ones who were like brothers to him.

"Keep practicing with your ax." Fili said, ever the responsible older one but with an equal bright smile "So one day you will have an adventure of your own."

They both pulled him to a fierce embrace at the same time. There, crushed between their arms, Gimli enjoyed the feeling of _home_.

"We'll meet again, little brother." Kili said, lifting a hand to muss up his red hair.

"Grow up in the meantime. We'll make sure to find you someone special, then." Fili winked playfully at him.

Gimli blushed, both because of the implication that he knew about the brothers' relationship and because of how he had been called. His heart swelled with pride at the title, at being acknowledged like their _brother_.

"As long as it's not an elf." He joked to hide his embarrassment and the three of them laughed together for the last time.

Gimli did grow up, and he did go on an adventure of his own. He also found someone special – who happened to be an elf, after all. But he never forgot about his two brothers who had loved each other.

**xxxxxxxxxxx**

**The ending is a bit sad, I know, but I could not go on writing Fili ruling under the mountain forever… as much as I would like to see him sitting up on his throne, sending Gimli to Elrond's council in Kili's place since the two can't stand being apart for too long xD**

**Also, the elf who is Gimli's special person I leave for you to decide. He did praise Galadriel's beauty, after all... Although I tend more to think it's Legolas ;p**

**I actually have no idea of what the wooden figurine was, this thing wrote itself. But it represents an offer of commitment, of course :)**


End file.
